The best ways to express your fantasies and fetishes

Over 41 million Americans use the services of a professional therapist or marriage counselor only in the USA. Why is this so?

Before this stage, a couple communicates a lot of course, moving on from the first date, fresh love and wild sexual experiences into more of a day to day life together. To never need such a therapist must be a goal for our behavior in a relationship.

Love is like in business: Forming, Storming, Performing!

In this post, I want to share some thoughts about my experience when I talk about my fetishes and fantasies that she doesn’t know about, which can make her feel shocked, sad, angry, and insecure.

Here are a few key communication points

The next time you’re in conflict or conversation with your spouse, friend, or loved one, listen actively, quietly and attentively to what they, actually, are sharing.

It’s not easy, especially when irritated or upset, or stubbornly using half of one’s capacity to argue.

They may also use it to counter their own views. Listening with an open heart and mind, and trusting, requires awareness and presence. 

No matter how tempting it might feel when upset, losing objectivity, changing topic or turning what was said into something else is a pitfall to avoid, no matter why it’s done. The one who has lost objectivity will often launch into a defensive or self-protective stance which limits effective communication.

The other one will then sense a feeling of being accused of saying or meaning something he/she never said/meant, which is provoking and frustrating.

The interpretation of what one partner says may also sometimes be completely contrary to what the other person intended and actually meant.

Shaming and blaming

To use the technique of blame and shame is the root of many disorders and emotional issues, shame serves only to activate past trauma, damage trust, and cultivate an environment of fear.

Instead of blaming or shaming your partner with things like, “I can’t believe you want xyz,” try understanding the why’s and the background first. Empathy is very important.

While talking with other couples, and especially men, and also after reading about it on the net, I often see people with easy fixes, like to just forget a fetish for example. How can a person just turn off the desire for water? Or can a lesbian girl just decide to become hetero?

A fantasy or fetish may be hidden for some time, but it doesn’t disappear just because your partner commands it to.

Customize yes, probably, but not erased from the mind. Or sometimes it might be possible to exchange one fantasy with another excitement that can substitute the first.

Communication has deep meanings for human society. It transforms one’s inner thoughts and feelings into exterior forms of expression that the other party receives and interprets. Isn’t that easy, well, hell no, but it depends. 

Conflict understanding and solution, from real life experience

We’re a couple with big differences initially, like for example:

1.One in a partnership is often a man, while the other is a woman! Wow, surprise! A fact.

2. Men and women are generally different. When a man is horny, he is horny! No surprise, It’s like it is.

3. Cultural differences, growing up in totally different parts of the world. It is possible to minimize issues with time and effort.

4. Huge age & experience differences. There’s no way to change it, other than gradually gaining experience as well.

5. He’s been married several times and had many relationship. Huge age & experience differences

6. GF’s. She’s had one BF, a short while. Can’t be changed.

7. Differences in fetishes, kinks, fantasies, creativity, openness, untamed horniness also. Can be adapted and converged.

We love each other deeply, and thinking of others doesn’t tempt any of us.

Our situation is that we’re still in a long distance relationship, where we’ve met in person and are making plans to marry and move together as soon as Visas are ok. And so we both have many long nights apart, both being very romantically connect and  horny, again with the typical basic differences between girls and boys, male and female.

Greyish fantasies and fetishes

The more young and inexperienced one is, the less fantasies one has. Normal and natural.
When both parties are close to the same age, the first sexual experience is often a trial and triumph.
The traditional sexual act is already a big step into the erotic world for a beginner, even getting her pussy licked is exciting.
 

Any person may understand and interpret something in different ways, depending on a lot of characteristics of that person. But ref. above about communication also., listening with empathy and trust is key, without judging too fast or concluding with standpoints based on wrong assumptions, missing out on the real intentions.

40 years older is far ahead and nothing is taboo anymore. And so I wanted to tell her my fantasies, at first a little by little, and then more in depth, unfolding the universe of fetishes, fantasies and kinks.

This because I wished to tighten the bonds also on the sexual level; a horny man will wish a sex life – together – even though not physically obtainable. Involving masturbation, naturally. She wants the same, but maybe she’s envisioning it differently, not used to masturbating for example.

Here we concentrate on the fantasy I have when I masturbate, thinking of my beloved. The fantasy and desire that has made her puzzle, and the one that’s been challenging to comprehend, accept and embrace.

In the first instance of telling her my fetishes and fantasies

My ultimate pleasure is her pleasure, that the person I love reaches levels of excitement she didn’t know of before actually experiencing it. Pleasure and orgasms as young is great, but it gets better and better with age and experience.

Pleasure also increases with the time one spends in erotic play, and even though the standard sexual act lasts for minutes it can also last for days, in particular for women if the man knows how.

Her natural beauty and admirable openness have made her a charming person to be around. I told her about my desire once I was really horny, how throbbing hard I got while thinking of her naked on the sofa, with a hard cock in each hand.

She’s like Ok, but not really enthusiastic. I mean, of course, obviously. So we don’t really elaborate further, changing topics. She probably didn’t quite know how to react, and what to say.

Before we met physically I mentioned it again, and when she told me about a guy showing interest in her we agreed she would date him and see how it goes.

However, after some first cuddling but before they ended up in bed together we reevaluated it and mutually agreed that it probably wasn’t so smart.

A lot due to the fact that the guy wasn’t aware of our/her setting and it could hurt him. The other reason was that on my part I became a bit unsure if I would tackle it, maybe becoming jealous because of the long distance, and not having met her in person yet. She also felt better to stop before anything happened.

Elaborating and bringing up the topic again

When I again elaborated upon my sexual desires, including seeing her with a younger potent guy, she got, well, quite shocked because on her part she thought the topic was decided…. Her first reaction was not to talk about it, and saying just No in a way that doesn’t cater for any more talking about it.

Which we didn’t for some time. But to bury one’s head in the sand is for sure not a solution. To talk about it can however take a lot of directions, depending a lot on the girl and her interpretations.

A few weeks later I elaborated more about my various erotic fantasies, my desires and what turns me on, at least while being horny alone and far away from her in my bed. Alone and aroused while formulating this, it can be overwhelming for an inexperienced and innocent young girl to degust.

After all she’s a young girl just so in love with this one man, basically just wishing for a forever happy romantic family. Being in bed having pleasure with another guy is just not in her thoughts at all, and absolutely not something that turns her on, to the contrary.

It was the only one of my fantasies that she reacted like this upon, and it’s obvious why, cause it involves feelings outside our own relation.

After some thinking she agreed to try for it, but wanted to meet him alone. Although she was happy about the openness, she began to worry about falling in love with him after a few weeks.

She asks me if I still wish my desire to come true, despite the risk I fall in love with him, and I confirm Yes. But when she says “You risk that I leave you” I feel it’s not anymore quite what I was thinking of.

In the beginning I used the term Cuckolding when expressing my desire. After she started searching, she became scared, even connecting such a wife with whores and sluts, or girls used by whatever unknown ‘Bulls’ existed.

When she asks if this is what I mean, her tone becomes colder and emotional. She’s clear she doesn’t feel comfortable about it.

Through communication, however, we reached a consensus. Trying to forget my fantasy would prevent me from losing her and our love.

Afterwards, she proposes a middle ground, saying you can’t just erase a fantasy as if it never existed. Let’s let this fantasy remain an imaginary one, without any expectation that it will become a reality.

However, communication is the key and this is to give a real life example of how an interrelational difficulty can be solved with empathy and understanding. Hope you can learn from it and find solutions that work for both of you in your relationship.